Overview: Narcissistic Family System and Its Impact on Children

A narcissistic family system is a dysfunctional family structure centered around the emotional needs and control of an emotionally immature, self-centered, and ego-protective parent with low-self-insight (often narcissistic, may be co-morbid with borderline, or other mental disorders, and/or addiction). In this system, the narcissistic parent views their children as extensions of themselves, is motivated by getting their own needs/wants met above all others, can be manipulative and lack empathy, requires considerable attention and praise, and demands compliance from others — especially their children (Pressman & Pressman, 1994; Miller, 1981). This breakdown is specifically for families with one ego-protective/self-centered parent and an enabling parent (2). Some systems have only one parent or two ego-protective/self-centered parent, this exploration does not consider these two variations.

In narcissistic family systems, children are often unofficially assigned specific roles to maintain the family’s dysfunctional status quo. The most common roles include the golden child (idealized and used to reflect the parent’s success or ideal self), the scapegoat (blamed for the family’s problems and burdened with its shame), the enabling child (works hard to protect the narcissistic and enabling parents from their own shame by smoothing over conflicts as a family mediator or peacekeeper), and the invisible or lost child (withdraws emotionally and physically, fading into the background to avoid conflict and emotional demands). These roles serve to uphold the narcissistic parent’s emotional control and preserve the appearance of a functional family (Brown, 2008). While these roles may seem fixed — and can be — they may shift over time, and children in such systems often move between multiple roles throughout their relationship with their family of origin.

The Enabling Parent's Role

A crucial, though often overlooked, figure in narcissistic family systems, when there are two parents/caregivers) is the enabling parent — the spouse or partner of the narcissistic parent who helps maintain the dysfunctional system. The enabler may not be overtly abusive but may also have a high degree of self-interest (self-preservation) making it difficult for them to adequately protect their child/children. The enabling parent is complicit by playing a passive or avoidant role, either by:

  • Minimizing or denying the harms/impact of the narcissistic parent’s behavior

  • Prioritizing family image or idealized (fictional) family story over the children’s wellbeing

  • Failing to intervene when the children experience abuse, neglect, or manipulation

  • Becoming willfully blind/aware/unaffected by the harms of the narcissistic parent.

The enabling parent often fears conflict or abandonment, and therefore aligns — consciously or unconsciously — with the narcissistic parent to avoid being targeted or believing that doing so will foster family harmony (Gibson, 2015). The enabling parent may deeply believe they are protecting their children by trying to convince them to comply with the demands of the narcissistic parent. In doing so, they betray their children by denying/avoiding their suffering and/or encouraging them to comply with the narcissistic parent’s demands (i.e abuse).


An Obstacle to Healing

Complicating matters, some children in narcissistic family systems form their most secure attachment with one of their parents — either the narcissistic parent or the enabling one, maybe both. Later, as adults seeking healing, they may struggle to confront the reality of having grown up in an abusive or dysfunctional environment. Acknowledging the truth about the favored parent can feel threatening, as it risks unraveling the comforting belief that they experienced secure attachment in childhood. However, true healing begins only when we can soberly accept reality as it is — including the flaws and failings of the idealized or “safer” parent. It is through this honest reckoning that we can begin to free ourselves from the dysfunction of the narcissistic family system and its lingering effects on our lives and relationships.

Protecting Parents From Their Shame: The Impact on Children

Children raised in narcissistic family systems may experience (not comprehensive):

  • Emotional invalidation: Their feelings are dismissed or used against them.

  • Role confusion and identity issues: Children may become enmeshed in roles that serve the parent’s needs but suppress their own authenticity.

  • Denial of their own experience of reality: Narcissistic families are fraught with gaslighting — manipulative denial of the target’s sense of reality — thus learning to either pathologically self-doubt, or adhere to the narcissistic parent’s view of reality resulting in a lifetime of cognitive dissonance.

  • Competition between children: Children with a narcissistic parent may become adversarial due to holding an unconscious belief that there can be only enough love (praise, affection, validation, etc.) for one child in the family. Even though, arguably, the narcissistic parent is often unable to sincerely provide any unconditional love at all.

  • Low self-worth and chronic guilt: Particularly when their emotions or boundaries are met with punishment, violence, stonewalling, or neglect.

  • Difficulty with trust and relationships: As adults, they may struggle with intimacy, boundaries (too porous or too rigid), and people-pleasing tendencies, or emotionally volatile or violent relationships.

  • Internalized shame: These children learn to turn feelings of worthlessness inward, often blaming themselves and feeling deeply flawed. They may struggle with low self-esteem, self-doubt, and perfectionism, and often avoid taking up space or asserting their needs. This can lead to people-pleasing, social withdrawal, and difficulty trusting others or forming close relationships.

  • Externalized shame: These children respond to feelings of inadequacy by blaming others, becoming defensive or angry, and projecting their own flaws onto those around them. They may play the victim to avoid responsibility, manipulate situations to protect their self-image, and dismiss their own mistakes. This defense mechanism helps them avoid painful self-reflection but can harm relationships and block emotional growth.

Over time, adult children who were raised in a narcissistic family system may develop anxiety, depression, complex PTSD (C-PTSD), other mental disorders such as borderline or narcissism, and/or addiction as survival strategies (Schwartz, 1996; Brown, 2008).

References

  • Brown, N. W. (2008). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
  • Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications.
  • Miller, A. (1981). The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self. Basic Books.
  • Pressman, C., & Pressman, R. (1994). The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment. Jossey-Bass.
  • Schwartz, L. L. (1996). “The Role of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family System.” Clinical Social Work Journal, 24(1), 111–123.