What is a Narcissistic Family System?
The Lasting Impact on Children Forced to Shield Their Parents from Shame
A narcissistic family system is a dysfunctional family structure centered around the emotional needs and control of a narcissistic parent. In this system, the narcissistic parent (often controlling, views children as extensions of themselves, and can be manipulative and lack empathy) demands attention, admiration, and compliance from others — especially their children (Pressman & Pressman, 1994; Miller, 1981).
Family members are covertly assigned roles — such as the golden child (idealized and used to reflect the parent’s success or ideal identity), the scapegoat (blamed for family problems/carrying the family shame), and the invisible child (neglected or emotionally abandoned) — to maintain the narcissistic parent’s emotional dominance and the illusion of a functional (maybe even, an impressive) family (Brown, 2008). While these roles may be fixed in some family systems, they can vary depending on if the golden child rebels or falls from grace or if other children rise up and compete for the golden child role (this is likely an unconscious process).
The Enabling Parent's Role
A crucial, though often overlooked, figure in the narcissistic family is the enabling parent — the spouse or partner of the narcissistic parent who helps maintain the dysfunctional system. The enabler may not be overtly abusive but is complicit by playing a passive or avoidant role, either by:
Minimizing or denying the harms/impact of the narcissistic parent’s behavior
Prioritizing family image or idealized (fictional) family story over the children’s wellbeing
Failing to protect the children from emotional abuse, neglect, or manipulation
The enabling parent often fears conflict or abandonment, and therefore aligns — consciously or unconsciously — with the narcissistic parent to avoid being targeted or believing that doing so will foster family harmony (Gibson, 2015). The enabling parent may deeply believe they are protecting their children by trying to convince them to comply with the demands of the narcissistic parent. In doing so, they betray their children by ignoring/avoiding their suffering and/or encouraging them to comply with the narcissistic parent’s demands.
Complicating matters, for many children in a narcissistic family system, the enabling parent is their most secure attachment figure. When the time comes for healing as an adult, they can struggle to view the enabling parent accurately for fear of losing the story of being securely attached as a child. Though, it is only when we can soberly acknowledge reality for what it is, including the flaws of the idealized or the safer parent, can we begin to liberate from the narcissistic family system’s dysfunction and its impact on our current life and relationships.
*It is very important to note that not all narcissism or narcissistic family systems are the same (it is a spectrum!). The impact on the system depends on if the narcissistic parent engages in abusive tactics, and if the enabling parent avoids or advocates for change in the system.
Protecting Parents From Their Shame: The Impact on Children
Children raised in narcissistic family systems often experience:
Emotional invalidation: Their feelings are dismissed or used against them.
Role confusion and identity issues: Children may become enmeshed in roles that serve the parent’s needs but suppress their own authenticity.
Denial of their own experience of reality: Narcissistic families are fraught with gaslighting — manipulative denial of the target’s sense of reality — thus learning to either pathologically self-doubt, or adhere to the narcissistic parent’s view of reality resulting in a lifetime of cognitive dissonance.
Competition between children: Children with a narcissistic parent may become adversarial due to holding an unconscious belief that there can be only enough love (praise, affection, validation, etc.) for one child in the family. Even though, arguably, the narcissistic parent is unable to sincerely provide any unconditional love at all.
Low self-worth and chronic guilt: Particularly when their emotions or boundaries are met with punishment, stonewalling, or neglect.
Difficulty with trust and relationships: As adults, they may struggle with intimacy, boundaries (too porous or too rigid), and people-pleasing tendencies.
Internalized shame: Especially common in scapegoated children who are blamed for the family's dysfunction. These kids may express behavior issues or otherwise are not compliant with the narcissistic parent’s demands and are made responsible for bearing the shame of the entire family. If this persists into adulthood, the scapegoated child may become a chronic people-pleaser, self-loathing, self-doubting, and struggle with confidence or taking up space.
Externalized shame: Especially common in golden children who are praised for compliance and are favored over the other children in the family system. These children can develop into adulthood without learning the capacity for navigating their own shame, thus projecting it onto others, mirroring how the narcissistic parent handled their own shame. If shame avoidance persists into adulthood, the golden child may repeat this cycle with their own children.
Important note: Inherent temperament matters in the potential development of narcissism. Not all golden children become narcissistic.
Over time, adult children of a narcissistic family may develop anxiety, depression, complex PTSD (C-PTSD), or borderline and/or narcissistic traits themselves as survival strategies (Schwartz, 1996; Brown, 2008).
References
Brown, N. W. (2008). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. New Harbinger Publications.Gibson, L. C. (2015). Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. New Harbinger Publications.Miller, A. (1981). The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self. Basic Books.Pressman, C., & Pressman, R. (1994). The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment. Jossey-Bass.Schwartz, L. L. (1996). “The Role of the Scapegoat in the Narcissistic Family System.” Clinical Social Work Journal, 24(1), 111–123.