The Golden Child

Carrying the Burden of the Family’s Pride

Disclaimer: Please remember that no description of roles or dynamics in a family system is universally accurate. Every person and family is unique, influenced by countless factors including genetics, trauma history, temperament, protective and risk factors, and the presence of supportive adults. Family roles and behaviors are best understood on a spectrum rather than as fixed categories. This article explores one possible pathway for the development of behaviors in children in narcissistic family systems, not a definitive rule.

The Golden Child in a Narcissistic Family System

In a narcissistic family system, the golden child is often idealized, praised, or placed in a position of special importance — not for who they truly are, but for how well they reflect the ego, desires, or image of a narcissistic parent (Pressman & Pressman, 1994; Miller, 1981). Narcissistic caregivers frequently use children as regulatory objects to stabilize fragile self-esteem (Kernberg, 1975). This dynamic becomes an unconscious role assignment in which the child is rewarded for meeting the parent’s emotional needs rather than developing an autonomous self (Crittenden, 2008).

The golden child’s “specialness,” while often perceived as privilege by outsiders, conceals deep loneliness and psychological burden. Idealization of a child is a defensive strategy by the parent, not a form of genuine attunement or attachment (Fonagy et al., 2002). Praise is contingent, tied to the child’s ability to comply with expectations and reflect an idealized self-image (as a representative of the family). This protects the narcissistic parent from feeling disowned emotions such as shame, accountability, and vulnerability. Beneath this conditional warmth lies an implicit threat: Attachment will be withdrawn if the child fails to impress or comply.

Conditional Love and the False Self

Golden children learn early that love and connection are conditional — earned through achievement, compliance, emotional control, or exceptionalism. Such dynamics align with classic formulations of the “false self,” where the child performs a role to maintain attachment at the expense of authenticity (Winnicott, 1960). Early on, the child learns that huge swaths of their truest self are unacceptable and must be relegated to the unconscious.

Because the narcissistic parent projects grandiose fantasies or disowned shame onto their children, children’s authentic emotional needs become secondary and intolerable (Kernberg, 1975). The golden child may appear confident or high-functioning, but their identity is fragile and dependent on performance, external validation, or perfectionistic standards (Flett & Hewitt, 2002). Over time, vulnerability, mistakes, and ordinariness threaten attachment, creating emotional suppression and defensive organization centered on control, achievement, or superiority (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).

Maintaining the Family System

Idealization of the golden child serves a defensive function within the narcissistic family system, bolstering the parent’s inflated self-image and protecting them from examining their own limitations or unresolved trauma (Bowen, 1978; Pressman & Pressman, 1994). Meanwhile, other children absorb the family’s disowned shame, anger, or perceived flaws. Bowen’s theory of triangulation explains how children are pulled into alliances that maintain family equilibrium but damage sibling relationships (Bowen, 1978).

Fragmentation and Adulthood

Despite appearing protected, golden children frequently experience internal fragmentation. Idealization creates a distorted self-structure in which the “performing self” dominates while vulnerable or distressed parts are hidden (Fonagy et al., 2002). Many internalize perfectionistic standards are linked to anxiety, depression, shame sensitivity, and emotion dysregulation (Flett & Hewitt, 2002; Greenspon, 2008). In adulthood, attachment patterns often reflect early conditionality, with dismissive, anxious-preoccupied, or fearful-avoidant styles (Ainsworth et al., 1978; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007). Reactions to failure or criticism are protective responses rooted in fear of rejection and the belief that love must be earned (Kernberg, 1975; van der Kolk, 2014).

The Empathetic Golden Child

Not all golden children respond to this pressure by externalizing shame, allying with the narcissistic parent, or becoming grandiose (even quietly). Again, heredity and temperament are important variables in whether someone develops narcissism or not. For many golden children, they become profoundly empathic, self-insightful, and, hyper-responsible, attempting to protect siblings or maintain family harmony, not unlike the enabling child (Crittenden, 2008). These children may struggle with over-functioning, people-pleasing, chronic self-doubt, and considerable anxiety. Healing often begins in adulthood — often with the help of well-aligned therapy — when there is ample space from the family-of-origin to safely begin exploring unique needs, wants, and a self differentiated from family members.

The Work of Healing

Healing for the golden child involves differentiation (Bowen, 1978): Separating one’s true identity from the role that provided relational survival. This process includes recognizing that parental love was conditional or role-based and understanding how these dynamics shaped coping strategies (Pressman & Pressman, 1994). Healing requires grieving the loss of unconditional acceptance, rebuilding a stable sense of self grounded in internal worth, integrating vulnerability and emotional honesty, repairing relationships harmed by triangulation (often sibling relationships) or perfectionistic defenses, accepting a more honest assessment of one’s parents or caregivers, and learning secure relational skills through therapy and corrective experiences. Differentiation creates space for individuation — embracing previously disowned aspects of the self, integrating authentic feelings, and establishing boundaries that honor personal needs. Recovery asks the golden child to seek connection, not admiration —and presence, not performance. But most of all, healing asks the former golden child to give themselves permission to be human. It is not about relinquishing strengths or talents but about weaving them together with self-insight, authenticity, and humility, ultimately fostering a sense of wholeness, emotional freedom, and the capacity for deeply enriching connection.

References 

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Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent–child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

Crittenden, P. M. (2008). Raising parents: Attachment, parenting and child safety. Willan Publishing.

Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2002). Perfectionism and maladjustment: An overview of theoretical, definitional, and treatment issues. In G. L. Flett & P. L. Hewitt (Eds.), Perfectionism: Theory, research, and treatment (pp. 5–31). American Psychological Association.

Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. Other Press.

Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Jason Aronson.

Miller, A. (1981). The drama of the gifted child: The search for the true self. Basic Books.

Pressman, C., & Pressman, J. (1994). The narcissistic family: Diagnosis and treatment. Jossey-Bass.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

Winnicott, D. W. (1960). Ego distortion in terms of true and false self. In The maturational processes and the facilitating environment (pp. 140–152). International Universities Press.