The Scapegoated Child

Carrying the Burden of the Family’s Shame

*Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that no explanation of any role in a family system is absolute. Every person and family is different and there are countless variables to consider including protective and risk factors, trauma exposure, safe adults, and temperament. It is best to imagine most things, especially family roles and symptomology on a spectrum. This essay explores the potential path a scapegoated child may take into adulthood.

In a narcissistic or otherwise dysfunctional family system, the scapegoated child becomes the vessel for the family’s denied pain, shame, and disgust — the “identified problem” or "problem child” who carries what the system cannot bear to face (Pressman & Pressman, 1994; Lawson, 2000). While the golden child is idealized as the family’s pride, the scapegoat is pathologized as its flaw. This dynamic functions as a psychological defense, maintaining the illusion of a perfect parent and a “normal” family by locating dysfunction in a single child — or, in larger families, a couple children.

The scapegoat’s role is not random; it is a form of projection. The narcissistic parent, unable to tolerate vulnerability, accountability, or imperfection within themselves, unconsciously disowns these traits and attributes them to the child. The scapegoat becomes the container for everything that threatens the family’s fragile self-concept — anger, shame, conflict, or authenticity (Kernberg, 1975). This assignment stabilizes the parent’s identity: I am good and right because you are bad and wrong.

From an early age, the scapegoated child learns that individuality evokes irritation, criticism, or rejection. Where the golden child is rewarded for compliance, the scapegoat is punished for honesty. In this way, the scapegoat often becomes the truth-teller of the family system — the one who senses and sometimes names what others deny. Yet this integrity comes at a considerable cost: isolation, self-doubt, and deeply internalized shame.

The Mechanics of Projection and Shame

Family scapegoating serves a defensive purpose for the narcissistic system. It channels collective anxiety and guilt onto one person, preserving the fantasy of harmony and parental infallibility (Bowen, 1978). The scapegoat’s distress or acting-out behaviors then appear to confirm the family’s narrative, reinforcing the illusion that the system itself is healthy and that the “problem” lies within the designated child. Over time, this repeated projection erodes the scapegoat’s sense of identity and worth: I am the problem. I am a burden. I don’t matter.

Psychologically, the scapegoat becomes the family’s shadow — the repository of what must remain hidden so others can preserve an image of superiority or innocence. Their suffering holds the system together. As one child absorbs the family’s disowned shame, others are freed to maintain the illusion of order and virtue — often with the narcissistic parent and, potentially the golden child, self-casting as victims of the “difficult” child (McBride, 2008).

Professionals who encounter children labeled as “the problem” must look beyond surface behaviors. Scapegoated children are frequently re-victimized by systems that uncritically accept a parent’s account. Observable behavioral issues often signal chronic emotional distress or covert abuse somewhere in the child’s life (Minuchin, 1974). Unregulated children have no other tools to try and get needs met. It is up to adults to translate this for them.

Developmental Consequences

For children in narcissistic systems, the authentic self is suppressed and a false self emerges. In the scapegoat’s case, that false self is organized around failure, deficiency, or defectiveness. Chronic invalidation and blame often lead to complex trauma (Herman, 1992; van der Kolk, 2014). Scapegoated children may develop hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, mood disorders, and anxious, avoidant, or fearful attachment patterns (Ainsworth et al., 1978).

In many families, siblings — particularly the golden child — mimic the parent’s behavior, aligning against the scapegoat to preserve favor and security. The result is relational isolation within the home and, later, a potentionally lifelong struggle with belonging. Yet paradoxically, many scapegoated children develop profound empathy and intuition. Their sensitivity, once pathologized, becomes a foundation for deep psychological insight and compassion.

The Cycle of Repetition

In adulthood, the unhealed scapegoat may unconsciously reenact familiar patterns — entering relationships or workplaces where they are devalued, or retreating into emotional and ego withdrawal to avoid further harm (Bowlby, 1988). Others may rebel outwardly, rejecting authority or aligning with subcultures that reflect their inner sense of exclusion. These adaptations, often misunderstood, represent survival strategies — attempts to reclaim agency after years of powerlessness.

Internalized shame can persist long after physical separation from the original family system. Many continue to self-blame or self-punish, maintaining the false identity that once secured the illusion of attachment and psychological safety in the family system.

The Path of Healing

Healing begins with differentiation (Bowen, 1978): Separating the truth of one’s self from the family’s projected falsehoods. This means recognizing that the scapegoat role was never a reflection of intrinsic defect but of others’ unintegrated shame. Grieving this truth — the years of unjust blame and lost belonging — is an essential step toward liberation.

Recovery also involves reclaiming narrative authority. Many survivors heal by naming what was once unspeakable, rejecting false guilt, and nurturing the parts of the self that were unseen, unheard, or unloved. This truth-telling is rarely welcomed by the family of origin and may necessitate significant distance, or even no-contact, to maintain psychological safety and support healing (Miller, 1981).

Therapeutically, healing often entails trauma processing, boundary repair, and the cultivation of self-compassion (van der Kolk, 2014). Corrective emotional experiences with an attuned therapist can begin to repair the fundamental wound of relational betrayal.

As recovery deepens, empathy for the family system may arise — not as reconciliation but as understanding. Recognizing how narcissistic structures perpetuate across generations reframes the story: Each member, even abusive parents, become part of a larger legacy of unhealed patterned and programmed pain. This awareness transforms unsteady victimhood into conscious survival and, eventually, an integrated positive self-definition.

Integration and Transformation

Healing invites the scapegoated individual to reclaim the qualities once condemned — truth, emotion, sensitivity, and moral clarity. In healthy contexts, these traits become sources of strength: empathy, creativity, and integrity.

True recovery involves accepting that a system with excess shame for some and inadequate shame for others cannot be redeemed. It requires stepping out of the family mythology and constructing a self that is whole, autonomous, and self-affirming. The scapegoat’s journey is not about proving innocence but about reclaiming internal belonging and authenticity — recognizing that the scapegoated child was never the wound, but merely the one in the family courageous enough to reveal it. 

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery: The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror. Basic Books.
Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Jason Aronson.
Lawson, C. L. (2000). Understanding the borderline mother. Rowman & Littlefield.
McBride, K. (2008). Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. Free Press.
Miller, A. (1981). The drama of the gifted child. Basic Books.
Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Harvard University Press.
Pressman, C., & Pressman, J. (1994). The narcissistic family: Diagnosis and treatment. Jossey-Bass.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.