The Scapegoated Child

Carrying the burden of the narcissistic family’s shame

Disclaimer: Please remember that no description of roles or dynamics in a family system is universally accurate. Every person and family is unique, influenced by countless factors including genetics, trauma history, temperament, protective and risk factors, and the presence of supportive adults. Family roles and behaviors are best understood on a spectrum rather than as fixed categories. This article explores one possible pathway for the development of behaviors in children in narcissistic family systems, not a definitive rule.

The Scapegoated Child in a Narcissistic Family System

In a narcissistic family system, the scapegoated child becomes the vessel for the family’s denied pain, shame, and disgust — the “problem child” who carries what the system cannot bear to face (Pressman & Pressman, 1994). While the golden child is idealized as the family’s pride, the scapegoat is pathologized as its flaw. This dynamic functions as a psychological defense, maintaining the illusion of a perfect parent and a “normal” family by locating dysfunction in a single child — or, in larger families, in a designated few.

The scapegoat’s role is not random; it is a form of projection. The narcissistic parent, unable to tolerate vulnerability, accountability, or imperfection within themselves, unconsciously disowns these traits and attributes them to this child. The scapegoat becomes the container for everything that threatens the family’s fragile self-concept — anger, shame, conflict, or truth-telling (Kernberg, 1975). This assignment stabilizes the parent’s identity: I am good and right because you are bad and wrong.

From an early age, the scapegoated child learns that individuality evokes irritation, criticism, abuse, or rejection. Where the golden child is rewarded for compliance, the scapegoat is punished for sincerity. As a result, the scapegoat often becomes the truth-teller of the family system — the one who senses and sometimes names what others suppress or deny. Yet this integrity comes at a considerable cost: A core belief that they are a burden and deserve to be abused (Crittenden, 2008).

The Mechanics of Projection and Shame

Family scapegoating serves a defensive and organizational purpose for the narcissistic system. It channels collective anxiety, shame, and guilt onto one person, preserving the fantasy of harmony and parental infallibility (Bowen, 1978). The scapegoat’s reactive distress or acting-out behaviors then appear to confirm the family’s narrative, reinforcing the illusion that the system itself is healthy and that the “problem” lies within the designated child.

Psychologically, the scapegoat becomes the family’s shadow — the repository of what must remain hidden so others can maintain an image of superiority or innocence. Their suffering helps hold the system together. As one child absorbs the family’s disowned shame and conflict, others are freed to maintain the illusion of order and virtue.

Professionals who encounter children labeled as “the problem” must look beyond surface behaviors. Behavioral problems frequently mask emotional neglect, psychological abuse, or a burdensome family role. Children rarely have the language to express such conditions — they communicate through behavior (Fonagy et al., 2002).

Developmental Consequences

For children in narcissistic systems, the authentic self is suppressed and a false self emerges. In the scapegoat’s case, that false self is organized around failure, deficiency, and defectiveness — an identity built from chronic blame and misattunement. Long-term links exist between chronic invalidation and the development of complex trauma, shame-proneness, and emotional dysregulation (van der Kolk, 2014).

Scapegoated children may develop hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, mood disturbances such as depression and anxiety, anxious, avoidant, or fearful attachment patterns, and dissociation or identity confusion (Ainsworth et al., 1978; Bowlby, 1988; Ogden, Minton, & Pain, 2006). Siblings — particularly the golden child — may mimic the parent’s behavior to preserve favor and security, creating relational isolation within the home.

Yet paradoxically, many scapegoated children develop profound empathy and intuition. Their sensitivity, once pathologized, becomes a foundation for psychological insight (Crittenden, 2008).

The Cycle of Repetition

In adulthood, the unhealed scapegoat may unconsciously reenact familiar patterns — entering relationships or workplaces where they are devalued and bullied, or withdrawing emotionally to avoid further harm (Levine & Heller, 2010). These adaptations, often misunderstood, represent attempts to reclaim agency and a sense of belonging after years of powerlessness.

The Path of Healing

Healing begins with differentiation (Bowen, 1978): separating the truth of one’s self from the family’s projected falsehoods. This involves recognizing that the scapegoat role was never a reflection of inherent defect but of others’ unintegrated shame. Grieving this truth — the years of unjust blame and lost belonging — is essential for emotional liberation.

Recovery also involves reclaiming narrative authority. Many survivors heal by naming what was once unspeakable, rejecting false guilt, and nurturing the parts of the self that were unseen or invalidated (Miller, 1981). Therapeutically, healing often entails trauma processing, boundary repair, and the cultivation of self-compassion (van der Kolk, 2014). Corrective emotional experiences with an attuned therapist can begin to repair the fundamental wound of relational betrayal.

Integration and Transformation

Healing invites the scapegoated individual to reclaim the qualities once condemned — truth, sincerity, sensitivity, and moral clarity. In healthy contexts, these traits become sources of strength: empathy, creativity, and integrity. True recovery requires stepping out of the family mythology and constructing a self that is whole, autonomous, and self-affirming. The scapegoat’s journey is not about proving innocence but about reclaiming internal belonging and authenticity — recognizing that the scapegoated child was never the wound, but the one who revealed it.

References 

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent–child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Crittenden, P. M. (2008). Raising parents: Attachment, parenting and child safety. Willan Publishing.

Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect regulation, mentalization, and the development of the self. Other Press.

Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Jason Aronson.

Levine, A., & Heller, R. S. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.

Miller, A. (1981). The drama of the gifted child: The search for the true self. Basic Books.

Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the body: A sensorimotor approach to psychotherapy. W. W. Norton.

Pressman, C., & Pressman, J. (1994). The narcissistic family: Diagnosis and treatment. Jossey-Bass.